Tap Tap Slide

Posted: February 9, 2009 in Humor

One of the coolest things about being at church is being around other Christians. Now I know that being a Christian, we aren’t supposed to have “cliques.” But it gets very easy to just fellowship with those you are closest too. For me, it’s a little deeper than that. Now I love people, and I consider myself a “people person,” but there are those select few that you hate to see coming your way. You know the ones I am talking about? The people that you absolutely have nothing in common so you talk about the weather just to try and have a conversation. “It’s supposed to be a great week this week huh?” “Yes, it definitely is, the weather man said we could see record highs for this time of year.” Then there’s that awkward pause where you try to walk away but have it in the back of your mind that they will hate you for the rest of your life if you do. So you bring up the humidity instead and act like you truly know and even more so, like you truly care what the humidity is.

Then there’s that person with the terrible breath, and it never changes. You know you aren’t close enough to them as a person to tell them what stank breath they have, so you have to do the half head turn to try and avoid it. The worst thing about this is you have know idea what they are saying to you because you are concentrating so hard on not to get caught in there toxic air zone. This is one reason why I drink a cup of coffee before I get into church, because even though it can be bad, coffee breath is understood. There is that split second when coffee breath gets in your nostrils and you panic because your not sure if it’s morning breath or coffee breath. Then you are semi-relieved to find out it was just coffee breath. My mom is not so subtle with me about it. If she senses even a hint of stank breath she just pulls a mint out of nowhere and hands it to me. I even ask her if she is trying to tell me something and she just gives me that motherly eye that means she doesn’t have too.

Then there is the guy with the awkward handshake. This one varies though because there are so many possibilities. You have the guy with Shrek hands that basically engulfs you when he shakes and it makes you very nervous as to whether or not you will have a hand in a couple seconds. Then there is the guy that shakes weird. You know what I mean? The man that puts his index finger out when he shakes, or shakes with one hand and grabs your elbow with the other, putting kind of a death grip on you. Then there is my least favorite and that is the bathroom shake. Someone walks out of the bathroom and just puts their hand out right away, and then you shake it and it feels like a damp sponge that gives you a cold wet sensation as you shake up and down. Nasty.

Even the bad breath and awkward handshakes don’t compare to what I’ve come to call the Tap Tap Slide. This is kind of hard to explain over a blog but you can probably get the idea and maybe even know someone that offers this unique service. It’s when someone approaches you with a greeting and politely taps your upper arm and shoulder area with a couple “love taps” as they can be called. Then instead of stopping with this kind gesture, they proceed to slide there hand all the way down the back of your arm, usually to the elbow. Now all this happens so quick so it is something that you never really know what happened until it is too late. Then you are overcome with this weird, awkward feeling that you had somehow just been violated. I was sharing this notion with a few friends from church and everyone I talked to agreed as well as kind of laughed about this. The reason is, at one time or another, you have experienced the Tap Tap Slide. Hmm…maybe I should try inserting this definition into Wikipedia. OK, maybe not.

  1. Chuck says:

    Wait a minute. I was told you invented the “tap tap slide.” Don’t be putting it off on someone else.

  2. davecross says:

    @Chuck: I’ve def enhanced the awareness of the tap tap slide and even gave it a name, but some creepy old man at a church somewhere came up with it. It was sometime around 1943. LOL

  3. Virginia says:

    I was thinking the same thing as Chuck. I had never heard or felt the tap tap slide until you came along. Maybe its because people at Stock Creek just like to be two inches from your face when they talk to you.

  4. Heather says:

    I was going to say that Virginia! You should add “personal space violators” to your list, Dave.

    They do stuff like this:
    1. They come up to you and put both hands on your shoulders so all you can see is their face and they’re way too close and their eyes get bigger and bigger and bigger until their face is two inches from your nose. It’s cute.
    2. They “sneak attack” you, like sharks. They sidle up beside you silently until you turn around and GAAAAH! there they are, exactly one millimeter away from body contact.

    You should add, btw, to the “tap tap slide” a “pinch slide,” cause I get that one ALL THE TIME.

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