Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

LOL

Posted: September 30, 2010 in Humor, Off The Wall

I was talking to my friend Andy the other day and we decided that people are to trigger happy in texts and emails with haha’s and lol’s. It’s almost become a problem. Before I judge too harshly though, I must admit I fall into this category. I like handing out haha’s like a fat kid loves cake. It’s almost become a closing salutation, a quick way to get out of the conversation. Or it could be used to make everything better after you just finished trashing them. For instance, “you looked like an idiot today when you said that. haha” See how that worked? If you didn’t add the haha on the end, they would get the impression you, or someone was mad at them. But add that haha and you can all laugh in your joyous bliss of stupidity. It’s the same game Christians play at church when they just gossiped about someone but ended it by saying “bless their heart.” That just made everything they said valid and now a prayer request instead of dissension.  Lol’s can be just a little more bold. Here you can talk about people’s weight, sport’s teams, clothes, hairstyles, and even their mama’s, as long as you add those three precious letters. The problem is we have all become the boy who cried wolf in our text messages. I mean do you really think the person at the other end is “laughing out loud,” or especially ROTFL “rolling on the floor laughing?” A teenager text that to me a while back and I told them to get up or they might get their clothes dirty. Their response: “Huh?” My response: “Stop rolling on the floor laughing.” Their response: “I’m not.” My response: “You just said you were ROTFLing.” Their response: “Oh…HAHA LOL.” See? It’s an issue. So how do we resolve this? Three quick things:

1. Type out as many HAHA’s as it will let you!

That’s right…all 160 character’s. Be overly dramatic about it. That way they respond with, you think it was that funny huh? By which you bomb them with more HAHA’s. Besides, if it’s that funny, can you really have enough HAHA’s? I think not.

2. Type out “I’m literally laughing out loud.”

Most people will respond to you by saying “all you need to type is LOL.” By which you respond, “LOL cannot begin to do justice to the laughter you just instilled upon my day.” They will probably just say “K” after that.

3. Abbreviate Everything

This will just confuse them to the point where they will never want to use another abbreviation as long as they live. Me: “HAYDT?” Them: “What?” Me: “I said how are you doing today? What don’t you talk text? Everyone knows that.” Carry this out for ten minutes and they will never want to text again. Or at least you again.

So…it’s becoming a problem. Maybe we should STA “start taking action.” YWM? K

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I remember as a kid growing up and talking about this with my sisters and my friends. Like walking into your house and not sure where everyone is, only later to find out they are outside playing croquet or something. There is still that moment where your heart skips a beat and you start looking for random clothes to be laying on the ground somewhere because just maybe…you missed it.

A couple of times a week I go to Jon Acuff’s blog here and read some hilarious posts on Stuff Christians like. I could literally repost almost all his articles everyday because they are that funny, but it’s easier for you to click a link. Every once in a while he will include a guest post from someone and many times, they are hilarious as well. Yesterday was that day. Jon posted an article from Curtis Honeycutt’s blog here. I decided to repost part of it here as well. Enjoy.

Thinking the Rapture Has Happened When You’re Alone

”The Son has come and you’ve been left behind.”

-DC Talk

As I sit here writing this in my office on a Monday morning, I’m kind of wondering is this has actually happened. Fact: Monday mornings at a church can be a lonely place. It’s like when an NFL team wins on Sunday. They get Monday off. The only difference is, the admin staff at the football office isn’t sitting around wondering, “Hey, I wonder if everyone else got sucked up into heaven, leaving their clothes in a pile?” The chances of the football team’s admin staff being left behind because T.O. isn’t there? Pretty slim. The chances of the church’s admin staff being left behind because the pastor and worship leader aren’t there? Moderately likely.

Here are a few scenarios like the one I’m currently in, shaking in my Tom’s shoes, and the likelihood that the rapture has happened:

Jogging on a Sunday Morning

You’re wearing your t-shirt that says “I went to church on Saturday night”, and so you think you’re covered. But, as you jog around your neighborhood, the early morning fog is very post-rapture like. The only person you see on your street is the lady who has a garage sale every other week. Chances you missed the rapture? 11%

Hanging Out at Hobby Lobby

Here’s the sitch (short for situation… a shout out to Kim Possible and I didn’t want to say situation because it makes you think of an set of orange six pack abs, (Jersey Shore reference)): You’re in the scrapbooking aisle at Hobby Lobby, or, as I call it, the Hob Lob. Mellow hymns are subtly piping through the speakers. You look around, noticing there isn’t a soul within a mile of the seasonal décor. Has the trump resounded? Should you be worried? Absolutely. There’s an 83% chance that you’ve been left behind.

At the Narnia: Dawn Treader Premiere

If you find yourself dressed up as Aslan, camped out for the premiere of the new Chronicles of Narnia movie, Dawn Treader, and no one else sets up their tent next to yours, has the rapture happened? Has your dawn been treaded on? Probably not. You’re that guy in the lion costume in a tent, however, Christians do love them some Narnia, so there’s still a 27% chance that all Christians in the world are hovering in the air with Jesus.

At Chick-Fil-A (On a Sunday)

After church, you’ve got a mean hankering for a chicken sandwich with a pickle. Yeah. Chick-Fil-A is probably the best place to eat waffle fries in the whole world. You get there and there aren’t any cars in the parking lot. The lights are off. But, you’ve neglected the well-known fact that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays, and, because of that, that is exactly when you want it the very most. The guy in the cow suit deserves a day off to be with his calves. Have the clouds been rolled back like a scroll? Probably not, but you didn’t remember the Sunday closed thing, so… 33% chance. You should know better.

So what about you? Have you ever wondered if the rapture has happened?

Missy The Cat

Posted: July 21, 2010 in Humor

I haven’t laughed this hard in a while, so when I saw this article linked on a friends Twitter I had to repost it. Enjoy.

Clueless Secretary Prompts Hilarious Email Thread

Story goes :

Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence…
Read from top to bottom….

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.
image1

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

From:David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news.
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.
image2


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

image3

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

image4

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

image5

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

image6

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

image7

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

image8

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

Dad Life

Posted: July 15, 2010 in Humor

So I know Father’s Day was a few weeks ago, but I saw this video the other day and couldn’t help but post it on here. I am sure if you are like me, you know of a few dad’s this video describes. Hilarious

So funny…yet startling…yet disturbing. Those are my words to describe this.

First Time for Everything

Posted: May 12, 2010 in Humor, My Faith

I struck out in a slow pitched softball game last night. I have never done this before and it is humiliating. There is not much worse than a softball field full of players and spectators and everyone goes silent because they feel sorry for you. I became that guy last night. The guy that other softball players (most of whom are in worse shape than me) felt sorry for. Now I have struck out before. In softball, you can strike out by the umpire calling a pitch a strike, or even by fouling off a pitch after you already have two strikes. But the way I struck out last night was by swinging. When you strike out by missing the ball completely it is never even a question. You have no excuses and no one to blame. It was just bad. So I felt terrible, even into today. It’s not the end of the world and maybe a little grace is the fact that I haven’t played softball in over two years and last night was the first night back playing. Regardless, there is a first time for everything. We all need to be humbled every now and then, last night was my turn to be. I needed it though. I always need to be kept down on the level I’m supposed to be. If it takes a few out of shape men feeling sorry for me, then that’s just as well I guess. I’m sure that’s why Scripture says to humble ourselves, if we don’t, it may just happen on a softball field. 🙂

In Everything…

Posted: November 28, 2009 in Humor, My Faith

So I made it through Thanksgiving, now onto the Christmas season in full swing. It is officially time to start putting up Christmas decorations and listening to Christmas music. I think I need to start a petition to add some sort of law that you have to wait until Thanksgiving to start these things. Now before you get mad, hear me out. It’s not that I am adamantly against it, it’s just where we live. See here in East Tennessee people are too lazy to take their decorations down, therefore you have lights and candles in each window all the way up until June. In some cases the inflatable santa can be deflated and used as a slip-and-slide. That is why I am all for waiting till Thanksgiving. But if you can promise me they will be down in January, I can compromise and let you put them up early.

Every year during this time I am always grateful and thankful for what I have. I think the older I get the more aware I am of everything in my life that I should be thankful for. Most everybody at one point in their life goes through trials, I have definitely had my fair share. Going through all the things I have been through, I think this year especially has made me truly appreciate the good and the bad. I wrote in a personal journal the other day, the things that I have that came directly from very bad circumstances. After I wrote them, I reread them and just had a huge sense of humility in how much God has blessed me despite my poor choices or bad circumstances. I Thessalonians 5:18 is more real to me this year than ever before. “In everything give thanks, because this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” I hope you all had a great time with family and friends, and took some time to reflect and give thanks… in everything.

The Mouse

Posted: November 10, 2009 in Humor, My Faith

I was at work the other morning trying to get in the routine of getting my day started and something crazy happened. A mouse ran across my foot. Now it doesn’t matter how old you are, or what you are or aren’t afraid of, a stupid little mouse is still scary stuff. I most definitely jumped out of my chair when it happened and just realized it is a natural reaction to do so. Then I kept my peripheral vision opened the rest of the day just to make sure I didn’t see it again. Ha

I think what bothers me most about this incident is how freaked I was over a mouse. Why would I get so worked up over something that in all honestly really couldn’t hurt me? The sad thing is many of us do it all the time with a lot of other areas in our life. A situation will arise that we put all of our thoughts, life, and stress over until we make ourself sick. All in all, it is over something that more than likely is something way to small to be giving that much attention too. I think the biggest tragedy in this, is that it robs our time and affections for what does matter most. Our walk and relationship with God. So what have you been stressing over? Is it really worth it, or is it something you have been stressing over for so long it just comes natural for you to do so? Just realize how small it truly is in comparison to how big our God is.

So I haven’t blogged in a couple weeks and there are a ton of things that God is doing in my life that I would like to share at some point, but didn’t know where to start. So, I decided to go in a totally different direction and give you five random facts about me that most of you have never known. So lets get started…

#1. I like some country music.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to go buy a huge belt buckle and some tight wranglers, but every once in a while I like to twang it out a little bit. I guess I am reminded of this since I am writing this while watching some of the CMA Music Festival. I actually don’t like a lot of country and country artists, but I have been to a couple Kenny Chesney concerts and I must say, it was good times. Plus it doesn’t help when you grow up in the south and it is everywhere. Did I mention I also have Taylor Swift on my ipod? No shame… I told you this would be random.

#2. I’m a techno junkie.

I love technology. I always keep up with the latest TV’s and cell phones and make sure I know what the best is. Why do I do this? I have no idea, it just always amazes me what technology can do and how it constantly changes. My bro-in-law asked me last week if I wanted to go with him to get his new TV… that’s like asking me if I want to go to Disney World as a kid. Uh…YEAH! So I went and helped him pick out one of the latest and greatest TV’s. It is so fun. I know I’m a geek. Oh, and I got a new cell phone a few weeks ago. So what’s your vice?

#3. I’ve met quite a few famous people.

So, I know a lot of people can say they have met famous people but for me it has always been very random and in random places. Here are some I have met: Peyton and Archie Manning – I was working at a hotel in Missouri in college and they stayed there and asked me if I could take them a back way through the kitchen to get to their room, since there were tons of people trying to get their autograph. I helped them, and got their autograph. John Elway – met him at a high school basketball tourney that his daughter was playing in. Talked to him for a few minutes and got a cool pic. Here are a few more without details: Enrique Iglesias (hotel lobby), Horace Grant (bball camp), Casting Crowns (airport), Toby Mac (airport), Captain Kangaroo (remember that kids show?), Lane Kiffin (UT), Bruce Pearl (UT), John Mcain (airport, in 2001), John Ashcroft (former Attorney General), Chris Lofton (UT), Eric Berry (UT), Heath Shuler (UT), Mike Ditka (airport), Hootie and the Blowfish (airport). As you can see, I meet a lot of people in the airport. I think there are a couple more but I can’t remember right now… Who have you met?

#4. I’ve broken a few bones.

So this is about as random as it gets. I have broken a few bones growing up. When I was 2 I tried to kick a soccer ball and missed it, flew up in the air and came down wrong on my leg. I had to have a pin in my leg and was in a body cast for several weeks. I’m just glad I was so young I don’t remember it. When I was 11 I broke my arm from trying to play Tarzan on a tire swing. I got about 20 feet in the air and jumped to another rope in which I missed and fell to the ground and snapped my arm. I’ve also broken a toe and a finger… not as cool I know. Have you broken any bones?

#5. I love Erin Andrews.

So back to #3, the one person I would love to meet, would have to be Erin Andrews. I already love sports, especially college sports. So when you mix a classy, sideline reporter with that, you have love instantly. Besides that, I am sure she loves Jesus. 🙂

So I know this was completely random, but I thought you might like to know… So what’s so random about you?

My Type Of Wedding

Posted: August 8, 2009 in Humor

So I got an email the other day that had a link to a wedding YouTube video that took place about a month or so ago in St. Paul, MN. Now, 18 million people and the Today Show have jumped all over this. I gotta say, it wasn’t the funniest video I have ever seen, but it definitely was one of those videos that caused you to smile the whole time watching it. So, I thought you might want to smile today. Enjoy…

If I ever get married, that’s how I am going to do my wedding. What do you think?